small hands
by lofthouse
Summary: Red is taking care of Agnes and is struggling with his inner demons. Mentioning of Tom and Mr. Kaplan makes an appearance.
Once again Raymond entered in the spacious living room. He had walked through all rooms, taking in every detail. The smell of the wooden floor, the cracking almost every step of the staircase and the squealing of most doors. It has been a long time since he was here.

He descended the stairs back and went outside back to Dembe who was waiting for him at the car.

"Everything alright, Raymond?"  
"Yes, we just need to tidy up and I have to fix some things."

"Do you want me to manage that?"  
"No, I'll do it myself. But it could use your help, if you don't mind"  
"Always."

Red nodded to Dembe and they both got in the car and drove away from the house. Both stayed silent for some time until the older man spoke with a broken voice.

"Am I doing the right thing? Tell me Dembe, am I doing the same mistake again?"  
"Raymond.."  
"No tell me now, if I'm about to do something incredible stupid..I could give her up for adoption. She could have lovely family taking care of her. Raise her the way she should be raised. Having both parents.. Maybe I'm too old for that Dembe.."  
"You're doing the right thing for now, we will figure it out brother.", said Dembe with reassurance and looked through the rear mirror at his friend. Their eyes met and Raymond held his gaze a moment before he nodded and diverted his eyes from him. He bent his head to the side to look out of the window.  
"What would Lizzy want me to do..", murmured Red to himself. He closed his eyes.. the very idea that he should raise her.. Lizzy wouldn't want that at all. He felt terrible. He couldn't give up little girl, Agnes just now. He would protect her und be a part of her life for as long as he could. But he would give her up for adoption eventually. Her mother made it clear to him that he was not be near her and he wouldn't dare to be longer than necessary with her. Although he longed for that, with her mother.

He drifted off and woke up when Dembe knocked carefully at the door. Red opened the door and was met by Dembe gazing at him.  
"You ready?"  
"Yeah, I think."

After getting Agnes from Tom who told him, that she would always be his daughter and that he should take care of her, he held her tightly in his arms. He was sitting in the car with her. Playing with the little fingers of hers, stroking them absorbed in thought and smiling at her.  
Dembe drove them to the house – their home for the next weeks and at most months. He talked with Tom about the adoption and he agreed to it. He said, that he trusted him enough, that he would make sure she would get lovely parents and have a safe home. And so he would.

The days went by. Red, Dembe and Agnes were living now together for a few weeks. He was sitting on a chair in her room for the first week. He could've just take her in his room but it didn't feel appropriate to him. His back was aching from the unconformable chair he slept most nights in until Dembe told him to move the couch in her room. He never left her room at night, trying to protect her from whatever threat might occur to her.

When he wasn't around, he made sure that Dembe watched after her. Occasionally Kate came by to check on them, but mostly on little Agnes.  
When Red was away, Kate took the opportunity to talk to Dembe alone.  
"How is he?"  
"He's okay"  
"Where does he sleep? He looks like he hasn't slept in weeks"  
"He sleeps in Agnes' room and watches her all day. He still blames himself and looking at the little girl brings back a lot of memories. He does not talk about it, but his eyes and composer speaks volume. Although is smiling and laughing with and about Agnes he suffering", told her Dembe putting the baby in her crib and covering her with a blanket.  
"Is he drinking again?"  
"No, at least I didn't notice so far. As I said he sits in Agnes room most of the time. We moved to couch from his room to hers. He slept in the armchair the first week..", he trailed off, leaving to room with Kate and going downstairs.  
They went to the kitchen and Dembe offered Kate something to drink.  
"I wished he wouldn't have to suffer like this.. I hope he can let her go", sighed the woman.  
"Me too", added Dembe and looked sadly at her.

When Red came back he saw Dembe and Kate sitting in the living room, the television was on and they were playing a game of chess.  
"Who's winning?", he asked quite interested.  
"Like always, Dembe. You taught him too well, Raymond!", complained Mr Kaplan playflully.  
"If it's any consolation, Dembe exceeded me a long time ago", he said while discarding his coat and putting it on the piano. He sat down and seemed lost in thought. His fingers moved along the wood and a little smile appeared on his face.  
"Would like to play something for us dearie?", asked Kate and watched him carefully.  
"I guess I could give it a try. I just check on Agnes first", he replied and left them. He came back some time later and walked pass them.  
He opened the keyboard lid, put his hands on the ivories and started playing. The sound of the piano filling the room while Dembe and Kate watched him play and got lost in his play. They forgot what man Raymond had once been.  
When Red stopped playing it was almost midnight. He said goodbye to both of his friends and went to Agnes' room.  
He was thankful that Dembe had helped him to move the couch in her room. He was laying on his back watching the ceiling and hoping to find some sleep. Slowly his eyes closed, his breathing evened and he was asleep.

He woke up to the sound of the little girl in the crib. Quietly Crying and sobbing. He was up in an instant. He took her out of the crib and wrapped her blanket to keep her warm. Red checked and changed her diapers. He went then with her in the kitchen and gave her something to eat and to drink. On their way back up the stairs he quietly talked to Agnes, reassuring her and stroking her little hands. It became a habit of theirs and seemed to calm the child down.  
As soon as he put her back into her crib, she the sobs started again. He took her out of the crib and tugged her with him on the couch. He placed a kiss on her forehead before he put his finger in her small hand and watched her relax with him.  
"I'm so sorry…"  
When the breathing of the baby indicated to him, that she might have been fallen asleep.  
"I wished she would see you grow up, having all the lovely moments together. Just being with you, would make her so happy..", he murmured.  
He allowed himself to close his eyes.

Just for a moment.


End file.
